


Comfort

by alabasterclouds



Category: Brooklyn - Fandom
Genre: Bed-Wetting, Crying, Diapers, Gen, Homesickness, Hurt/Comfort, Non-Sexual Age Play, Wetting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-29
Updated: 2016-02-23
Packaged: 2018-05-10 03:32:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 21,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5569273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alabasterclouds/pseuds/alabasterclouds
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ever since she was a little girl, Eilis Lacey has been able to depend on her older sister, Rose, for comfort and care. Now that she has immigrated to Brooklyn, NY, Eilis finds herself homesick and alone. Ageplay, diapers, wetting.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_1935_

"Shh, now, Eily. It's not the end of the world. Don't cry." 

Five-year-old Eilis Lacey rubs her eyes, trying to stop crying and obey her older sister, Rose. Rose is fifteen and seems like a grown-up; she has a boyfriend and goes out with friends to the Athenaeum at night while Eilis watches her from the bedroom window that looks out onto Court St. below. There aren't many lights in Enniscorthy. Eilis is afraid of the dark and Mammy has told her she's too old to sleep with a light on now; besides, it wastes the electricity and doesn't Eilis know how everything is dear now in these times?

Eilis doesn't know and doesn't understand. She has to go to her bed with her bare feet cold on the wooden floor and by herself, Mammy says she doesn't have time to be sitting with her to go to sleep when her brothers need their midday meals made for work the next day, and God knows how long they'll have work, now, the foreman's letting go more men daily and it's by God's grace they've got any work at all and can bring in money to their poor family with the father dead and gone. So Eilis has to be a big girl, now, and she is big, most of the time, except at night when she isn't big and she's wet her bed again.

Rose gently peels back the sodden sheet. "Oh, Eily," she sighs, more out of affection than exasperation. She's used to caring for Eilis, a little blonde-haired shy child with huge blue eyes and a penchant for hiding behind her skirt when she walks to Miss. Kelly's on Tuesdays.

"She's a quiet little thing," booms Miss Kelly, almost as if it's a sin for Eilis to be quiet and only speak when spoken to, as she's been taught. "No one wants to hear the chattering on of little girls, Eily, and that's a fact," says her mother, looking more tired every day. So Eilis is quiet, even at home at the table when her brothers raucously joke and yell and push each other's shoulders. Rose just rolls her eyes. She's already trying to work ahead at school, to get her certificates early so that she can try to get a job in an office as a bookkeeper, maybe. Eilis knows all this because Rose likes to sit with Eilis on her lap and talk to her about how she'll be a help to Mammy now that Daddy is gone.

Rose lifts Eilis out of bed. Eilis thinks she's getting bigger every day, but her legs don't dangle much past Rose's hips as Rose rubs Eilis's back. "I don't know why Mam won't let you have a light at night," she breathes in annoyance, almost as if she doesn't want an answer. Eilis stays quiet and tries not to sniffle as Rose sets her beside the radiator at one end of the room and quietly takes off her sodden nightgown.

Eilis did wear nappies to bed, up until the summer time when Mammy decided she was too old to wear them at night. She tries not to wet the bed, but it seems just to happen and there are nights when she tries not to cry because she doesn't want to disturb Rose in the other bed. Sometimes she can't sleep because she's cold and wet, and she tries to remember that Our Lord had worse hardships when he died on the Cross so long ago in order to save all the Catholics. But Our Lord has been in Heaven a long time and Eilis is cold and wet now, and sometimes that just doesn't help to think about Our Lord when she just wants Rose.

Eilis doesn't know what she would do without Rose. Rose is so beautiful with her long dark hair done in the latest style that Mrs. McCarthy down the block is able to find from the American magazines. Rose says she'll go to America one day, but when she said that Eilis started to cry and couldn't stop, so now Rose says she's going to bring Eilis with her and the two can live in a flat in Brooklyn or maybe Manhattan and work together in an office with smart clothes and hairstyles. Eilis doesn't know where America is, but it must be better than Ireland because everyone here is so sad and hungry and no one really laughs anymore.

Now, Rose wets a cloth with water from the jug and bowl on the dresser and cleans Eilis off on her legs and bottom. The water is a bit chilly, and Eilis shivers. "Oh, Eily, I'm sorry, pet," murmurs Rose, but Eilis doesn't mind and instead she puts her hands on Rose's shoulders to steady herself and stop shivering. After Rose finds a new nightgown and knickers, she places the wet ones in the laundry basket by the door and then turns to look at the bed.

Eilis shrinks back against the heat of the radiator and wishes she could make herself very small, almost as small as a mouse so that Rose wouldn't get that tired look on her face. Instead, Rose smiles and lifts Eilis into her arms. "You can sleep with me tonight and we'll deal with it all in the morning. It's too late now to be changing beds, and besides, I don't want to let Mammy know anything about it."

Eilis snuggles into Rose's shoulder, smelling her sweet-scented hair and the hollow in her shoulder. She buries her wet face against Rose and Rose starts to rub her back again. "Shh, darling. Please don't cry. I'm not angry with you, you're still so small and I know it's not easy for you being the only one home in the daytime with Mammy."

Rose sits down on her bed and rocks Eilis back and forth. She's done this for as long as Eilis can remember, and maybe even before that, because Eilis has been very used to Rose rocking her and holding her just right. She slips her thumb into her mouth, even though Mammy says her second teeth will come in crooked and then where will they find the money to fix those, even if they can be fixed, and no one will think anything about her except that she'll be the Lacey girl with the crooked teeth, then? She tries not to think about what Mammy will say and instead lets Rose rock her to sleep.

The last thing Eilis thinks about is how much she loves her older sister.

//~//

_1950_

"So when is your sister away to America, then," asks Miss Kelly, except she doesn't ask it as much as it's a statement of fact. Rose is going away to America, and Eilis will be stuck in Enniscorthy working for Miss Kelly at least until Mammy passes on.

She doesn't like to think of Mammy passing on when her brothers have now moved out to England to work these past five years, and Rose is trying to arrange her leaving date at Davis's. It will just be the two of them and that's hard enough to think about, with Mammy unhappy when she goes out to the Athenaeum and dances with anyone but Jim Farrell.

Eilis tries to smile but she fears it just comes out as a sour look. She clears her throat and speaks softly. "Yes, Miss Kelly, she'll be away soon. She's just getting her affairs in order." Miss Kelly sniffs as she pushes a loaf of day-old bread across the counter at Mrs. O'Connor and waves her out of the store impatiently. Miss Kelly really has no time at all for any sort of idle conversation, and anyway, she wants to get back to Rose.

"And when do you think she'll be sailing out? It'll be winter coming now and the shipping companies will shut down. She's getting on, Rose, and if she doesn't go now, well, Eilis, I'm not sure she'll ever go. I've seen enough women in this town state how they're away to America and then they stay here and marry some boy from the town and have a dozen children and America is still across the sea."

Eilis tries to close her ears to Miss Kelly and instead fixes her gaze on the clock on the opposite wall. Only another half hour and she'll be able to leave.

Rose has been evasive about America, actually, not that Eilis is going to be telling anything to Miss Kelly about it and have it be all over Enniscorthy by Sunday. She won't answer Eilis's questions about it and she gently turns Eilis down when Eilis asks to see her clothes for America again. Eilis knows Davis's is giving her a hard time about leaving; they've been very put out about the fact she'll be leaving them without a bookkeeper to work in a foreign store across the sea. Eilis knows bookkeeping, inasmuch as Rose has taught her at home, but she has no certificates and there's no question of her being able to take over for Rose unless she has them. And where they'll find the money for those, God only knows, since all of Eilis's wages at Miss Kelly's go directly to Mam for the running of the house. Rose buys Eilis the clothes she needs and helps to pay for a bit of entertainment, but Eilis knows Rose has been saving for the ship for ages now.

Eilis walks out onto the street and watches the familiar people pass her on her way home. Some nod at her, others want to stop and chat about Mammy and her health, and of course, Rose's trip to America. It could take ages to get home if Eilis wasn't as quiet as she naturally is. She doesn't speak much, unlike the rest of her noisy, chattering family. Sometimes when it's just Eilis and Mammy, the silence can be so loud that Eilis wants to leave just to stop the ringing in her ears. But it's not much better when Mammy is complaining on and on about how hard life is, either.

Sometimes Eilis wishes she could go to America with Rose, like they'd always dreamed.

At home, Rose is quietly washing dishes while Mammy complains about her latest chill in the lungs. "I just can't stop coughing, Eily, and I forgot to ask you could you stop at Mr. Draper's and bring home a bottle of cough mixture. I suppose now he's closed and we won't be able to get it until Monday being as we're Friday night now and Mrs. Draper tells me the shop is closed tomorrow due to her aunt dying. I guess I'll have to see if we have any lemon tincture left in the cabinet, but I know Rose used a lot of it the last time she had a chill and I'm not sure she managed to get more, did you, Rosie?"

"Mam, don't I always replace what I use, now?" Rose's voice sounds strained and Eilis wants to give her a hug. She knows it's not been easy for poor old Rose as of late. They sleep in separate rooms now but she hears Rose pacing the floor next to her at night, sometimes muttering about this and that.

It makes Eilis's stomach hurt to hear Rose so agitated, but she isn't sure what to do. Rose always takes care of her. Soon, Eilis will be on her own.

Eilis sits down to tea, though she isn't very hungry, but she knows better than to waste any food at all. So she quietly eats her way through the cold meat and potatoes and tired vegetables while Rose says nothing at all and Mammy continues to complain about this and that. It's almost a relief when they go upstairs finally, Rose not bothering to turn on the hall light because she knows Mam will groan on about the cost of electricity in these times.

Eilis follows Rose upstairs and says nothing until Rose turns into her own room, and then she says, softly, "Goodnight, Rosie."

Rose pops her head back out and looks at Eilis with her grave blue eyes. "Goodnight, Eily, and before you go to sleep I have something I want to tell you. Get ready for bed and I'll come in then."

Eilis is brushing out her brown hair when Rose slips in and closes the door. Eilis turns expectantly to Rose, but Rose just sits on the bed and says nothing, staring off into the middle distance until Eilis, not usually impatient, breaks the silence. "What is it, Rose?"

Rose takes a deep breath, almost grimacing as she does so. She doesn't speak for a few moments. When she does, it's with that strained voice that hurts Eilis's heart so deeply. "Eily, I want you to go to America."

Eilis's heart leaps. It's all they've both ever dreamed. Immediately, she begins to smile, thinking of sitting on the ship's deck with Rose in the sunshine, planning what they'll do when they get to Brooklyn, working alongside each other in Bartocci's, the store that Rose has talked about working in for almost three months now. They'll share a bedroom in a flat and plan to go out to dances there, the way they used to here before Rose said she was too old to go to the Athenaeum with Eilis anymore.

Rose's face hardens and she speaks in a tone she almost never uses with Eilis. "Eilis, no. I don't mean I want you to go to America, too. I mean I want you to go there now in my place. I want you to go instead of me, Eily."

And now Eilis feels cold all over because this is something she's never considered. Life without Rose seems scary and empty and unthinkable.

Rose keeps talking, her voice hard and unlike her usual soft tone. "Davis won't let me go with a reference if I decide to leave, which means that I can't provide a reference to Bartocci's when I go. I have just enough money to pay for one passage and to pay your way for a few weeks in America, and then I can save for my passage for next year, after I give money to Mam for the house and expenses. But you can get a reference from Ma Kelly and work as a shopgirl in Bartocci's. I'll write them and tell them so. You'll have a place at the boarding house I've arranged."

Eilis continues to say nothing. Rose's voice softens. "It's a wonderful opportunity, Eily. You know that."

"I want to go with you," whispers Eilis miserably, and then feels stupid and ungrateful. Only Rose would give up such an opportunity to make Eilis happy. No one has ever cared this much about her. And in her heart, Eilis knows the reference story is just a ploy. There's something else behind Rose's eyes.

"I know you do, pet." Rose gets up then, takes Eilis into her arms and rubs her back. "But you'll never have any opportunities here in Enniscorthy, and you're at the right age to start a life in America. I've got a life here and the golf club, Davis's. Mammy needs someone to look after her and you're too young to waste away here doing that now."

Eilis buries her nose in Rose's shoulder hollow and breathes once, twice. "Do I have to decide now?"

"No. You have a few days to answer, and then a few weeks to prepare if you agree. The ship doesn't sail until end of September."

Eilis nods, and Rose pats her back briskly, unnaturally. "Go to bed now, Eily, we'll talk more in the morning." She leaves, closing Eilis's door softly. Eilis crawls into bed and switches off her bedroom lamp, closing her eyes determinedly against her stomach aching with anxiety and worry.

~~~

That night, Eilis wets her bed for the first time in about seven years or so. Her first instinct is to curse, even though Eilis never curses and has only mouthed the words to her friend Nancy through lots of giggles. But girls of almost twenty don't wet their beds, and never mind the mess she'll have to clean up.

Tears spring to her eyes as she feels the clammy wetness of her nightgown stick to her legs and the uncomfortable damp of her knickers on her bottom. What could have possessed her to do this now, tonight, when she needs to decide the most important decision of her entire life soon?

Luckily just the bottom sheet is wet. She pulls it expertly out without disturbing the top sheet or covers, like Rose taught her when Eilis was still ten and eleven and wetting the bed at least once every few weeks. She didn't stop wetting until she was around thirteen, and she's had several uncomfortably close incidents since. If Mammy or worse, Miss Kelly and Nancy and Jim Farrell knew, well, Eilis may as well go to America just to stop the whispers and stares.

It could be some kind of physical problem, she thinks, as she balls up the sheet and throws it into the laundry basket by the door. But likely there's just something wrong with her, as there always has been, how Eilis has been shy and nervous and quiet her entire life and had to hear from everyone how there must be something wrong with her since she didn't have the Lacey gift of gab that even Rose has.

Eilis begins to cry, trying to stifle her sobs so not to wake the entire house as she tries to pull out the dresser drawer with her night things into it. But that drawer always stubbornly sticks, and it makes a loud creaking sound as she finally wrenches it open and hurts her hand in the process.

Eilis lets out a loud sob, louder than she wanted, and she stuffs her sore fist into her mouth to try to quiet herself as she listens for telltale footsteps coming from the right of her door. That means Mam is up, and Mammy will scold and complain worse than ever if she is awake. Eilis won't hear the end of that for days.

But instead she hears nothing, and so Eilis takes out a clean nightgown and another pair of knickers to place on top of the covers. She'll sleep on her top sheet tonight, under the counterpane, instead of trying to find a clean bottom sheet in the cupboard outside her room.

She takes off her wet knickers and realizes that she forgot to fill up the jug in her room tonight so her flannel will have to be dry. At least she can take a bath in the morning. Her elbow knocks the jug and it makes a wobbling, loud sound on the wood.

Again, Eilis listens, and this time there's a low knock at the door. It's not Mammy, though. It's Rose. "Eily, are you all right, then? Are you sick?"

Rose's low, gentle voice brings tears to Eilis's eyes again and she simply opens the door quietly, letting Rose in, knowing she'll see Eilis standing in a wet nightgown with no knickers on and the sheet in the basket by the door.

Rose closes the door quietly behind her and picks up the jug. "I'll get some water in this, then. You get your clean nightie on; there's a good girl."

Eilis hears Rose's footsteps on the stairs and then Mam's voice sleepily rings out. "What's wrong then?"

"Nothing, Mammy; just getting some water."

There's nothing else after that, and Eilis has her clean nightgown on when Rose comes up, this time with warm water in the jug. She pours some water into the bowl, wets the flannel and quietly wipes Eilis's legs and bottom, just as she did when Eilis was small. Then she helps her to step into her clean knickers, and gently wipes the tears off her little sister's face with her thumbs.

"Oh, Eily," Rose says, and smiles. "I guess you'll be coming in with me, then."

Eilis follows Rose into her bedroom and stands beside the bed. Rose doesn't disappoint. She pulls Eilis onto her lap and rocks her, rubbing her back as she always has done. And Eilis can't stop the tears then, from flowing all over her face and Rose's shoulder. She cries until her chest hitches and she hiccups, and Rose whispers sweet things into her ear, all sorts of things about Eilis and how sweet and kind she is, how brave she'll be in America.

"I just don't want to go unless you're there," sobs Eilis, and Rose just holds her, saying nothing else, not even about the bed-wetting, how Eilis will have to be big in America.

Eilis falls asleep with her arms around Rose. Rose doesn't fall asleep at all; instead, she looks down at the sleeping face of her little sister and smiles.


	2. Chapter 2

The days seemed to fly in a whirlwind after that. Rose starts bringing home pieces from the sales in Dublin or through the catalogues, picking out colours and fabrics she thought Eilis would like. Eilis finds herself getting excited and wondering how the girls in Brooklyn, New York dressed. Would they think she was dowdy and outdated? How cold are the winters really? Eilis had heard from Father Flood, the American priest sponsoring her immigration, that she would need warm clothes in the winter and nice warm boots that she'd best buy when she was already over there. They had nothing comparable in Ireland, he said. The winters were bitter and she'd best wait and buy her winter things in a store abroad.

Eilis finds it hard to believe that it would be so cold when they're having the most beautiful summer in Enniscorthy. Most days, the sun shines and the weather is warm. She still hasn't gotten the courage up to tell Miss Kelly about her leaving. Nettles Kelly, as Rose caustically calls her and her mother scolds her for while trying to hide a smile, is not known for her sympathy or for her interest in anything outside of village gossip. So Eilis stays quiet, weighing flour and salt and doling out cigarettes one at a time on Sundays after nine o'clock mass lets out.

Life is flying by, but Eilis still finds herself in bed crying most nights. It seems to come upon her too quickly to stop, and she spends a few moments sniffling into her pillows until Rose hears something and lets herself in. While Eilis knows she should be getting used to sleeping without Rose, more nights than not she's snuggled in bed with her sister, clinging to her as if she could never let her go. And yet she'll have to. She sails in only a week's time.

She'd also wet the bed twice again. Once was another accident. She woke up from a nightmare and found herself soaked and cold. Rose had come in the moment she heard Eilis start to cry, and it was only a wonder that Mammy hadn't heard anything; of course she'd also taken quite a lot of cough mixture that night so she could sleep through a church bell next to her ear. Rose had cleaned Eilis up without a word and then they'd sat for awhile, Rose against the headboard and Eilis snuggled against her warm nightgown, the blankets over them both. Rose hadn't said anything for a long time, but then she'd smiled and looked down at her blue-eyed sister fondly.

"Eily, what are you going to do now, hmm? It's funny that this old problem seems to be popping up now just when you're about to go." Rose didn't sound as if she thought it was funny at all; in fact, Eilis thought she sounded very knowing, and Eilis frowned at that. It wasn't her fault now that she suddenly started wetting again. Rose had to know how highly unpleasant it was.

"You're going to have to be a big girl now and start thinking ahead," continued Rose. "You can't let all these nerves ruin it."

Eilis's lower lip began to tremble, and she clung more tightly to her big sister. "I don't even know do I really want to go," she whispered miserably. "I want to stay with you, or I want you to go, too. Rose, why does it matter about Davis's? You're smart with figures. You have the certificates. Why can't you just get Father Flood to sponsor you, too?"

Again, Rose's face darkened, and she just cuddled Eilis closer. "Because I'm too old and I already have a job. You don't. Are you saying you want to work for Nettles Kelly the rest of your life? That's all that's here, Eily, you know that. You haven't got anything else. Now listen. You know Jack and the others had to go to England. There's no work for girls there either, you'll get a factory job at best and that isn't what you should do."

"Funny how you seem to know better what I should do more than myself," said Eilis darkly, and Rose laughed at that, her pleasant laugh reverberating through her chest and comfortingly against Eilis's cheek.

"You've got to start feeling more like an adult, now, Eily. No more bed-wetting. You're now a young woman of twenty."

Eilis just turned into Rose. Of course if she had the choice, she wouldn't be wetting the bed. Rose should know that. But there was a part of her that liked the softness, the gentleness of Rose, the way she was always so careful and tender in these situations. So the second time it happened, a few days ago, Eilis had been half-asleep and pretended she didn't really know she was wetting until it actually happened. It was so pleasant to stay warm in bed. She didn't mean for it to actually happen. But it did, the seeping warmth spreading everywhere, before she snapped back into reality and realized that she hadn't purposefully wet herself in years. 

Rose hadn't seemed to know the difference, but Eilis felt more than a little guilty when she resolved to sort it out herself and Rose heard her, anyway. She'd held Eilis extra-long that night, kissing her hair and rubbing her back, and she hadn't said anything, but Eilis knew that Rose probably knew it hadn't been really an accident at all.

Now, Eilis dresses in her nicest clothes for seven o'clock Sunday mass before work at Miss Kelly's. She knows from experience she wouldn't be home until past one o'clock and she'd be starving, so she grabs a bun from the breadbox before she gently lets herself out into the cool August summer air. It's just barely light out, the few lights on the street all gently winking out, the sun starting to peek through the misty sky. Eilis walks briskly up to the cathedral, where she takes her place beside Miss Kelly and Mary, her unfortunate shop assistant and Eilis's colleague. 

Mass at this time is generally hard to get through, mostly because Eilis is up at least once or twice through the night these days, either dealing with her bed being wet or just dealing with the idea that she'll have to leave soon. No one in the town knows anything about it yet, but they will after this because today is the day that Eilis has to tell Miss Kelly. She'll have just one Sunday left to work. Eilis had thought about it and decided that giving Miss Kelly two weeks was a decent enough time period to find someone else if she has a mind to. Rose had suggested, not without sarcasm, that she just leave and not come back, but their mother hadn't been keen on that idea and anyway, Eilis wouldn't have the nerve. So she yawns through mass as she does every Sunday, still with a feeling of nerves at what will happen after she finishes her shift at Kelly's Grocery today.

Luckily, the day flies by with the amount of people seeming to forget their cooked ham or their bread or something else for Sunday dinner. Miss Kelly doesn't look exactly pleased, though this must be a good day for the profit, thinks Eilis. Nevertheless, she doesn't complain about everything as she does usually when they finish a Sunday shift, so Eilis works up her courage and tries to speak clearly.

"Miss Kelly, I'm away to America."

It's as if time stops after that. Miss Kelly simply stares at her, and Mary, the shop assistant, tries to sneak behind her to get her coat out of the back room. Nothing is said for what seems like an eternity, but it is probably actually only a few moments, thinks Eilis. Then Miss Kelly speaks.

"Oh. Well, this is a fine surprise, Eilis, I must say. We all thought it'd be Rose who was away abroad. What will your poor mother do? Rose certainly will have her work cut out for her." Miss Kelly looks Eilis up and down, as if she thinks Rose is too good to stay in Enniscorthy looking after their mother. Privately, Eilis feels similarly, but she doesn't say anything until it seems Miss Kelly had finished.

"I can work the Sunday until I go."

"Oh, we won't be needing that. No, thank you. Well, if that'll be all," replies Miss Kelly, and she sweeps past Eilis to the back room. She can't seem to resist throwing a parting shot over her shoulder, though. "I certainly hope, though, Eilis, you manage to find something in America and we won't see you back here in a year's time like so many of the other girls."

Eilis feels her face flush red. There had been two or three girls in the parish who had gone and come back, that was true. And they had all been much braver than Eilis, it seemed. Eilis is certain that they don't still wet their beds at night, at any rate. They also dress better and seem to have a better disposition. 

Eilis feels her eyes fill with tears as she hurries out of Kelly's Grocery and up the street back to her house. She wants to tell Rose that she isn't going to go. It would be better to stay in Enniscorthy and not have to deal with the humiliation of coming back as a failure, like Maeve and Katherine up by the church. It would be better to stay here and go to the Athenaeum on Sunday nights with Nancy, and make fun of the rugby boys, and to stay with Rose and not have to be so adult, all by herself in a new country.

Eilis knows she must pass a dozen or so of her mother's friends as she hurries along the uneven street, but she doesn't look up so that no one can see that she's about to cry. She is openly crying by the time she reaches her own front door and badly needing to go to the toilet, and she bursts through, past her astonished mother and Rose, and flies down the hall to the bathroom they had put in about ten years ago. But it's too late. Her legs are already wet and her knickers soaked by the time she's able to sit down on the toilet to go.

Eilis sobs heartbrokenly as she thinks about how silly and little she must be. How dare she even try to go to America like this? Now she can't even hold her water long enough to make it to the toilet. She should still wear nappies and be put to bed at seven o'clock, she thinks. She hasn't wet her knickers for years, not since she started attending the parish school, at any rate. She's not at all like any other twenty-year-old. Sniffling, she lays her head against the cool wall and sighs shakily, trying to calm down and smarten herself up. The house is quiet, but Eilis can hear the low murmur of Rose and her mother out in the sitting room down the hall.

After awhile, there's a gentle knock on the door. It's Rose. "Eily, are you all right?"

Eilis just sniffles, and the knock comes again. "Come on, love. You can't stay in there all afternoon."

Eilis pulls the toilet's chain and gets up slowly, taking her wet knickers completely off and balling them up in her hands. At least it's summer now and she hasn't ruined a pair of nylon stockings. She places them on the side of the sink and washes her hands slowly, hoping Rose will leave or at least go back into the sitting room with Mammy. But she knows Rose is there - she can hear her breathing - so she slowly opens the door, refusing to look Rose in the eyes.

Eilis knows she must look awful, with her hair coming loose from its pins and her face red and blotchy from crying. But Rose just clucks under her tongue and gently reaches out to smooth Eilis's hair, so Eilis looks at Rose in the eyes. Rose pulls her close, then, and rubs her back.

"Oh, Eily. A rough day, then?"

Eilis begins to sob again, her face pressed into Rose's blouse and her tears probably ruining it. She's glad she isn't wearing any makeup today. Eilis hears Mammy's footsteps, but before Mammy can say anything, Rose shakes her head and Eilis hears her say, "Eilis needs a few moments, Mammy, I'll just help her now."

Rose lets Eilis cry for a few moments and then gently holds her off. "Let's go upstairs."

Eilis hesitates, and then Rose sees the knickers. "Oh. All right, just a moment." She grabs the towel that lies beside the sink and wraps the wet knickers in it before leading Eilis upstairs and into Eilis's room. Rose drops the knickers and towel into the laundry basket and looks at Eilis gravely.

"Eily, love. What's the matter? You haven't had an accident like this in years. And you haven't wet the bed in about that long, either."

"I don't know," whispers Eilis. "I had to go badly and then it happened. Rose, I just don't know." Her face crumples again and she holds out her arms to Rose, but Rose firmly shakes her head.

"No, Eilis, we're not going to cry again now. I know you're having a hard time with all this, but you're too big a girl to be having all this happen. You'll be sailing in a week. It's time to grow up, love." Rose quietly opens the door and steps out into the hall.

Eilis throws herself onto her bed and sobs for awhile into her pillows. She knows Rose thinks she's been coddling her too much, and it could be true, after all Eilis has had a lot of snuggles from her big sister lately. But she won't see her again, not for a year or more, and telephoning will be so expensive from America. Eilis feels she's barely had time to get used to the idea that she's going until now it's almost time to sail. And she doesn't KNOW why she's wetting so much, or why it's happening again at all. Maybe she's sick. Eilis almost hopes she is ill. Then she won't have to go.

Some time passes, and Eilis knows it's going to be time to start preparing tea soon. She'll be needed downstairs for that, and her face is a mess, bloated and blotchy and flushed with too many tears. She heaves herself off the bed and just really wants to take a bath. She feels dirty and worn out. She would love a bath and then to go straight to bed without any tea.

Just then, there's a light knock at the door and Rose comes back in. "Mammy says that if you're not feeling well, we'll bring tea up to you tonight. Hmm?" She reaches out to smooth a tendril of hair from Eilis's forehead. Eilis sighs. So Mammy knows that she had an accident, then.

"Mammy knows, then," murmurs Eilis, but Rose shakes her head. "No, love, I told her that you had a headache and were feeling a little off-colour. She thinks it's your time of the month." Rose winks, then, and Eilis manages a small smile. 

"Rosie . . ." Eilis trails off. She doesn't even know what she wants to tell Rose. She just sighs. "Can I have my bath earlier? I'm so knackered."

Rose hesitates, and then pulls Eilis close to her, anyway, and gives her a good, firm hug. "Of course you can, Eily. I'm sorry about before. Of course this is all going to be so hard on you, pet." She drops a kiss on Eilis's head and Eilis gratefully snuggles into Rose. 

After a long bath with lots of hot water, something Eilis doesn't always get except for when she's sick, Rose brings up a cup of strong tea and some egg and toast to Eilis in bed. Eilis eats quietly while Rose sits beside her, knitting a scarf. Then she turns to face her little sister.

"Did you tell Miss Kelly, then?"

Eilis makes a face and nods. "Now the whole town will know. She told me not to come back there to work. She also said that she hopes I won't be back in a year like Maeve and Katherine, and that I make something of myself."

"That old witch," breathes Rose in annoyance. "Now, Eily, listen. You're not going to come back in a year unless it's to come and see us for a visit, do you hear me?"

"Is that right?" asks Eilis weakly.

"Of course it's right. You're a bright lass, why would you need to be coming back at all? You're going to make your own life there, Eily. That's why you're going. You can't stay here and just rot. And anyway, think of Mammy and me. We want to see you successful and happy."

Eilis hadn't thought of that. She could be sending back money regularly, just like her brothers do, and really help the family. Her face brightens, and Rose smiles. "You see. You like to be useful and good to us, just like the good girl you are."

"I could be good and useful," repeats Eilis. But her face falls a little. "I'm going to be so terribly sad, Rosie."

"Oh, pet. I know." Rose strokes Eilis's hair. "It's not supposed to be easy, I'm afraid."

Eilis doesn't say anything to that. Instead, she puts her plate on the nightstand and snuggles closer to Rose. Rose wraps her arms around her little sister and smiles against her hair. Eilis yawns and sleepily turns her face into Rose's blouse, but Rose gently detaches her. 

"We won't make it any easier if I let you fall asleep like this all the time."

Eilis nods, but she feels crestfallen as Rose rearranges her pillows behind her head and brushes her forehead with her lips. "Now, sleep well, Eily." It's Rose's usual bedtime wish, but there's a slight firmness in it, and Eilis flushes. She knows Rose means that she should try hard not to wet the bed tonight. 

Rose leaves the room, then, and Eilis curls up into a ball in her bed, hoping that she will actually get through the night without a mishap. The last thought she has is that if she does have an accident, she'll have to work hard to be as quiet as she can so that she doesn't wake Rose. After all, she does have to get used to looking after herself, now.

//~//

The week passes quickly, with the Monday Eilis is about to sail coming up quickly. At this time, Eilis is completely ready to go, with both of her suitcases packed and everything she'll need for the crossing, including her ticket. She's also managed to get through the week without any accidents of any sort, and even was able to go out once more with Nancy to the Athenaeum for a little good-bye do Nancy had set up for her. Rose had slipped two new books and a magazine into her bag, telling Eilis that she might want to read a bit on the boat. The crossing will take about four days, give or take, longer if the weather is bad. 

The train ride to Cobh takes close to seven hours. Rose and Mammy go with her, and they laugh and joke on the train as the green scenery of Ireland whizzes past them. Eilis tries to put out of her head the fact that in a few hours' time, she will be on her way to America.

As they arrive to the bustling harbourfront, Mammy starts to look a bit strange. Her lips keep twitching and she blinks very fast, almost as if something is in her eye. Rose looks completely composed, but as Eilis excuses herself to the toilet in the restaurant an hour before she sails, she notices Rose's face crumple a bit. 

Getting onto the ship is nothing at all. The porter checks her ticket and then waves her towards the third-class deck. But no one else is going down there. Instead, they're all crowding against the deck rails. Eilis follows them and does the same, and after some difficulty, spots her mother and Rose in the crowd. Both are openly crying at this point, Rose holding her mother close and looking as if she's barely holding herself together. Eilis wills her to look up at her, and as if on cue, Rose does, meeting Eilis's blue eyes squarely.

Rose waves at Eilis, throwing her kisses, and mouths something Eilis can't hear. Through her own tears, she calls down, "I love you, Rosie," though she knows Rose will never be able to hear her. It's then she realizes what Rose is mouthing.

"I love you, Eilis."

The ship, with a blast on the horn, begins to pull out. Eilis starts to cry, just like the women on both sides of her. Mammy turns away and starts to walk away, but Rose stays, waving and throwing kisses as if she'll never stop. The last glimpse Eilis gets of Rose is to see her desperately straining through the thronging crowds to keep an eye on Eilis for as long as she can.

And then, Eilis is out of sight, sailing towards America.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: This chapter will deal with some pretty significant illness, including vomiting and diarrhea.

As the ship pulls away from the docks, Eilis finds herself unable to take a last look at Ireland. Her eyes are too full of tears to do much but blink furiously and rub at them ineffectually. It barely feels real . . . but here she is, sailing away from all she knows and loves, if not forever, well, for at least a long time. It will likely be a year or more before she'll be able to see Rose and Mammy again.

Standing like a statue on the deck, she barely registers that most people have already turned away, bent on finding their cabins for the journey. Having asked one of the porters onshore, Eilis knows it will likely take the better part of a week to get to New York. The Atlantic can be rough, and weather has slowed down bigger ships than this, he warned her. Eilis really didn't know what he meant, unless he meant that the waves could slow them down? The ship seems so big that nothing can move it in its path. She's never been on the ocean before, and only to the seaside once when she was about six or seven years old, on an outing with the parish. It was quite overwhelming to see the huge expanse of water - nothing but water and waves, as far as the eye can see.

Finally getting herself together and feeling a little hungry, though she'd eaten with Rose and Mammy not two hours before, Eilis picks up her suitcase and turns towards the narrow stairs to third class. Now that they're finally underway, Eilis can feel a slight swaying and shuddering under her feet as she navigates the steps down. The boat takes a tiny dip and she stumbles against the railing, her heart in her throat for a moment. She'll have to be very careful when going up and down, though the unwieldy suitcase certainly doesn't help. As the ship shifts back, someone catches her under the elbow from behind as Eilis stumbles again. Eilis looks up in surprise to see a tall, smartly-dressed woman with blonde hair just above her.

"You've got to watch your footing," says the woman in a Dublin accent. "You can't really anticipate the movement of the ship and you'll fall as soon as not if you're not holding onto the railing."

Eilis smiles, a little shyly. "Thank you," she says, and the woman leans down to better hear her.

"What's that?" The woman's voice is louder and more relaxed and confident, definitely denoting a city-bred lady. Eilis's own soft Wexford vowels sound positively countrified by comparison. Suddenly, Eilis misses home, very hard, and she can't stop a slight tremble of her lower lip before she repeats herself, a little louder than before.

"Ah, that's all right," says the woman. "Come on, we can't stand here blocking up the way the entire night."

Eilis manages the rest of the stairs without issue and then peers at her boarding pass, trying to find her cabin number among the blurred text. The Dublin woman seems to already know where she's going, and confidently unlatches the cabin door just to the right of the stairs. Upon further scrutinizing, Eilis realizes that her berth number is the same one, and shyly follows the woman in.

The woman had taken off her coat to reveal a dark red, almost wine-coloured suit and a smart frilled blouse. She turns and smiles wryly at Eilis. "You're on the top bunk."

Eilis, not knowing what to say, places her suitcase against the wall next to the woman's and scrambles up the ladder. The bed is narrow and has thin blankets and scratchy sheets. As soon as Eilis sits on the mattress, she hears an unmistakeable crackling sound of vinyl, and inwardly thanks God that if she wets this bed, at least it won't ruin the mattress. She tries to put the thought from her mind. Wetting the bed here would be unthinkably terrible, and in front of this smart woman!

The woman in red slumps against the wall on a small wooden bench and sighs deeply - almost groans. "Well, this is hell."

Eilis is again at a loss for words. "Is it?" she ventures.

The woman fixes Eilis with small, sharp blue eyes, quite unlike Eilis's large shy ones. "It certainly is. If I had my way, I'd be up in first class with the rest of them. This is worse than a cattle pen."

Eilis just stares at her, and the woman suddenly laughs, her entire demeanour changing. "You're a shy one, aren't you? What's your name?"

"Eilis Lacey," replies Eilis, trying to smile back. Mammy has always been after her to be less reserved and more forthcoming; then people won't think she's so tongue-tied and unfriendly, she'd said. Eilis feels her tongue twisting up, as it always does when she has to meet new people, but she tries to hold the woman in red's gaze and to smile. "What's yours, then?" 

"I'm Georgina Gleason."

"And are you away to New York, Georgina?" This isn't so hard, Eilis thinks.

Georgina laughs again, this time a little more bitterly. "No, I live there already. The mistake was coming back from New York."

Eilis stares at Georgina and once again finds herself trying to think of something to say, when Georgina bounces up. "Come on. Let's go up to the first class deck for a smoke."

"I don't," says Eilis quietly, knowing that this is likely the final nail in the coffin with getting to know her roommate. There's nothing wrong with going up there with her, is there? Though Mammy has always told her that only men and loose women smoke? But Georgina is already at the door, shrugging.

"Suit yourself. But I mayn't be back at all," she winks. "Might find a nice first-class fella."

Eilis tries to smile at that, but can't quite manage it. When she does get a small curve on her lips, Georgina is already gone, and Eilis is alone in the cabin.

It's a fairly small room, about three quarters the size of her little room in Enniscorthy. With the suitcases against the wall, there's barely room to move at all between the bunk and the bathroom door. Eilis, curious, hops down off the ladder of her bed and walks across to the door, which appears to be latched and lockable from the inside. Eilis gently lifts the outside latch and the door slides into a pocket in the wall, revealing a toilet, basin, and shower. Eilis feels a slight frisson of fear at that. She's never used a shower before, as they don't have one at home. 

On the opposite side is another door, also latched from the inside. Out of curiosity, Eilis quietly slides it open to reveal another cabin with two older ladies busily unpacking. She flushes scarlet. "Oh! I'm sorry," and she quickly closes it behind her, but not before she catches the glare on both women's faces. Oh, dear. This journey isn't starting out well at all.

Eilis's stomach rolls over and growls, and she realizes that it's just about tea time at home. Down in third class, the movements of the ship aren't as noticeable, but there's a steady hum beneath her shoes and a slight rocking every now and then as Eilis moves through the room and dons her coat to go up to the canteen on the main deck. Taking care on the stairs this time, she manages to find it without difficulty, though she worries she may have to sit next to someone she doesn't know and begin the process of introducing herself and talking all over again.

But when she walks into the canteen, she realizes that small talk isn't going to be a problem. There are only a few other people at the long tables, and most are reading or getting ready to leave. Eilis almost wishes she'd brought a book or a magazine herself, but she bravely sits down by herself at one end of the long centre table and orders the mutton stew and a glass of water in the most confident voice she can manage. The waiter just smiles sympathetically, though, and disappears without another word.

Eilis wonders where all of the other third class passengers are. Had they already eaten or perhaps eaten on shore before boarding? Were meals always going to be this quiet? Eilis, while nibbling on a piece of bread from the basket in the middle of the table, decides that the next time she sees Georgina, she'll ask if she can go up for a smoke with her to first class. It would at least be more interesting than sitting alone. Eilis's eyes fill with tears as she thinks about the sometimes lively mealtimes with Rose and Mammy at home, and she has to blink furiously so that the waiter, clearing dishes from the table across from her, won't come over and ask her what's the matter.

The mutton stew comes. It's not as good as Mammy's, but it fills Eilis up nicely enough, even though it is a bit fatty and full of gristle as well as a lot of peas. She manages most of it around the lump that seems to have permanently settled in her throat, and she finds herself gulping a glass of water to keep from crying outright in the canteen. The waiter comes by and smiles again. This time, he speaks, his soft country accent hitting Eilis like a ton of bricks. For a horrible moment, she really thinks she will cry, and she can't focus on his words until she hears him begin to talk about the weather.

"Ah, it'll be a rough one tonight, they're saying," he says. Eilis blinks away her tears and looks up at him in surprise. He looks pleased now that he has her attention, and adopts a self-important tone.

"Yes, supposed to be an early storm for this time of year. We'll be going right through it. It's nice to see not everyone's put off their grub by the news, though. Lots of passengers won't eat on nights like these. Sure, and maybe it'll be a spoonful or two of soup only. Not the mutton stew, any rate." He looks down at her empty plate. "You must be a true sailor!"

Eilis feels her stomach turn over again, this time in apprehension. She doesn't think she'll be seasick down in third class, below the water level? Suddenly, she feels thirsty and drains the rest of her water. If she does get sick, well, she'll have to deal with it. She is, after all, a young lady now.

//~//

Georgina doesn't come back, even when Eilis finds herself yawning over the novel that Rose gave her to read. Checking her watch, she finds it's past 10 o'clock and certainly time for her to sleep. The ship has moved a little more than Eilis expected, but it's almost soothing, now that she expects the slight rocking and shifting as they cut through the Atlantic waves. If there is a storm, Eilis doesn't know about it, she thinks. 

Hopping nimbly down from the bunk bed and secretly congratulating herself for managing so well this far, she changes into her nightgown for the night and gathers her toothbrush and toothpaste, ready to wash up for bed. But when she gets to the door, she finds it latched. Oh. Well, maybe next door is getting ready for bed and will be out in a few moments. 

Eilis's stomach rolls over in a disconcerting way, and she feels a slight cramping in her abdomen. She can't be starting her time of the month now, can she? It's surely not time for that yet; she's only had it two weeks ago, though she does have her supplies with her, of course. She notices for the first time a slight uneasiness in her stomach and bowels. It could of course be simply homesickness, thinks Eilis. And the ever-present worry in the back of her head about her little problem . . .

Rose had sat beside Eilis the night before they went to Cobh, giving her a last bit of a cuddle before saying good night. It had been bittersweet; Eilis had been in tears for most of it. Rose had stroked her hair and whispered sweet things, the way she always did when Eilis was upset, but this time, Eilis tried to memorize every one of them. She knew she wouldn't be hearing Rose's voice for a long time to come. Eilis had had another little accident that day, wetting her knickers just before she changed for bed. She wasn't going to tell anyone about it - after all, it wasn't like she'd made any sort of a mess, it had been simply her knickers getting wet - but Rose had walked in just as Eilis was changing into a pair of dry ones for the night.

"Oh, Eily." Rose just looked disappointed and sympathetic all at the same time. "Did you have another accident, then?"

"It wasn't a big accident," Eilis had replied defensively, trying to look as if there was nothing wrong, trying to look as if she were grown up. "Just a bit of a dribble. It happens sometimes, Rosie."

"Eilis." Rose just looked disapproving; more so because she knew Eilis was lying to her. Eilis avoided Rose's blue eyes and sighed. 

"I'm sorry," she said softly. "I waited a bit too long, or maybe just didn't know I was going to have to go to the toilet."

She turned her back on Rose and walked over to the bed, but suddenly everything was overwhelming - trying to be grown up, knowing she wouldn't see Rose's face in Brooklyn, at least not for a long time, even if it was to scold her for having a little accident. Her shoulders clenched and she began to cry quietly, trying not to let Rose know.

"Oh, pet. Surely you're not crying over this now? I'm really not angry, I just think that you might need to take a little more care, especially on the boat, Eily. You won't be able to easily wash out and dry your knickers if they get a little wet." Rose came over and rubbed Eilis's shoulders, and after a moment, Eilis turned into Rose and buried her wet face in Rose's shoulder hollow.

"You're trying to be such a big girl now. I'm so proud of you," whispered Rose. "But for tonight, I think I'll stay for a little while, hmm? I won't get to give you a cuddle for a long time yet." Eilis thought she heard Rose's voice crack a little bit, and she clung even tighter to Rose.

"Stay with me?" she whispered, and Rose tightened her arms around her little sister. 

"Of course I will, pet."

Eilis climbed into bed and held out her arms to Rose, who climbed in next to her and took Eilis into her arms as she usually did. Eilis, though she hadn't done it in years, felt an overwhelming urge to suck her thumb, but she didn't want Rose to see. So she turned into Rose's shoulder as her big sister lay beside her and surreptitiously slipped her thumb into her mouth, where she thought Rose couldn't see. But she felt Rose's deep chuckle a few moments later.

"You didn't really think I wouldn't know you had your thumb in your mouth, then, Eily? I can hear you sucking away," teased Rose, and pulled back to tap Eilis on the nose. Eilis smiled around her thumb, but didn't pull it out, and after a moment, she felt Rose draw her closer and start to rub her back in slow, soothing circles. Generally, this would put Eilis straight to sleep . . . but tonight, she worried. If she was wetting her knickers now, even a little bit, how would she stop it on the boat? How would she deal with a wet bed on the boat?

Rose's eyes were closed, but she felt Eilis tense. "What's the matter, Eilis?" Rose opened her eyes to regard her sister. "You're not worrying about tomorrow, are you, then?"

Eilis felt her chin quiver. "Rosie, what'll I do if I have an accident on the boat? Or I . . . wet my knickers in front of someone?" Two tears slipped down Eilis's cheeks. "I don't even know why I'm doing it now. If it's nerves and it's here at home, what happens when I'm away and you're not there?" Eilis's voice cracked and she started to sob. "What if I'm all alone and I can't cope on my own?"

"Oh, darling, shh, shh." Rose began to rub Eilis's back again. "Shh, try to calm down, now, you'll never get a good sleep this way. Shh." She rocked Eilis a little bit, trying to soothe her. Eilis found her thumb again and began to suck, trying to calm herself down. Her insides felt all twisted up, and her stomach ached badly.

"I'm sick, I can't go," she suddenly babbled. "I've got a bad tummy, I can't leave."

"No, love, it's all just nerves, Eily. That's all. It's all nerves. You're going, pet. You know that. You're going to be brave and go. And if you have an accident on the ship, well, you just ask the porters for some new sheets then. They'll clean the place every few days anyway, or should do. You'll not be the first to ask, you know they've dealt with such things before. You can pin your knickers inside the lid of the suitcase to dry if you need to, just leave it open a crack for the air to get in. You see? It'll be just fine, Eily."

And Eilis had opened her teary eyes to see her sister looking right at her, reassuring and strong. So Eilis nodded and said, "Of course, it won't be hard, then," and determinedly closed her eyes, feeling her tummy loosen and her body relax. When Rose was there to tell her what to do, Eilis felt stronger. She slipped her thumb into her mouth and sucked again, this time feeling calmer. Within moments, she had fallen asleep.

Now, waiting patiently outside the bathroom door, Eilis feels that same sense of calm returning. If something happens, well, she'll be an adult and cope with it, then. Though she has been waiting a long time and she does really have to go to the toilet more than she thought . . . Eilis knocks politely on the door again. "Sorry, just waiting!" she calls in what she hopes is a cheerful voice. But though she knows this time she'd been loud enough, the door's latch doesn't move.

Eilis is starting to feel rather uncomfortable. Her bowels are definitely full and signalling for release at this point, and she'd had to empty her bladder for the better part of half an hour at least. The ship is also starting to move more, or so Eilis thinks, standing and trying to keep her balance as she feels the ship almost roll. Her stomach rolls with it, and Eilis, for a brief moment, has a horrible thought that she might be sick on top of everything else.

But the feeling passes, and she chalks it up to nerves. This time, she hammers briskly on the door. "Please unlock it," she calls. "Sorry, I've been waiting quite awhile."

The door doesn't budge, and Eilis, losing patience, pulls at the latch to find it securely locked. Why? Why would they deliberately try to keep her from using the toilet? 

The sick feeling wells up in Eilis's stomach again, but it isn't due to the movement of the ship this time. It's due to pure fear. How is she going to relieve herself with the toilet door locked? She is certainly going have an accident, and it will be worse than any accident she'd had since she was a toddler. She can't actually remember the last time she'd soiled herself. Certainly when she was still in nappies, and not in any memory she's had since!

Eilis knows she has to act before it's too late. Leaving the door, which she realizes now is going to be locked until the inhabitants on the other side decide otherwise, she bursts through her own cabin door to try to find another toilet in the hallway or maybe outside the mess hall. But now the ship is rolling and pitching fairly significantly, and keeping her footing is proving to be a problem. She stumbles against the wall more than once, trying to walk as quickly as she can to the ends of the corridors, looking for a toilet. But all she finds are two closets, each with a bucket and mop and broom in them. There are no toilets, and even if she's as brave as Georgina, she can't possibly knock on another cabin door and ask to use theirs. It's unthinkable.

Eilis's eyes fill with tears as her bowels clench and cramp unmercifully. If she doesn't think of something soon, she's going to be dealing with an unholy mess. Cleaning up after wetting herself is one thing, but she doesn't even have access to water to clean herself up if she soils her knickers, not to mention what will happen if she does it here in the corridor. 

Eilis looks at the bucket in the broom cupboard in front of her and makes a decision. Putting aside her pride, she grabs the bucket and is grateful that there's at least a little water left inside it. Pulling up her nightgown, she yanks down her knickers and tries to disappear into the closet as much as she can. She sits down on the bucket just in time - a torrent of diarrhea pours from her and her bowels cramp again, causing her to cry out a little, her forehead covered in sweat. She knows she's never had diarrhea like this, not even after she ate too many apples one summer a few years ago. After a moment, her bladder releases as well, and she sends up a silent prayer of thanks that she managed to at least avoid an accident. 

After what seems like an eternity, all the while praying that no one will come along and see her in her agony, Eilis finishes and feels completely drained and empty. Wiping herself on the mop beside the bucket, she leaves the mess there and feeling ashamed, quickly scurries back into her cabin. She now knows that she can't even report next door to the porters, because they'll know it was her that made the mess in the bucket. Trying to think about what Rose would do, Eilis tries the latch of the door again and finding it still locked, starts to cry and gives the bathroom door a kick in frustration.

Why is this so hard? No one told her that this might be the case on the boat, that people would be so unkind. She's sure Georgina would have known what to do, maybe to tell the porters before it ever got to this. And in the meantime, Eilis's stomach isn't feeling good at all. Every time the boat moves, a wave of nausea crashes over her. It's clear that the storm forecast by the porter up in the canteen is well underway. Her bowels let out a low growl, and for a horrible moment, she thinks she might have to find the bucket again. Taking no chances, she leaves the cabin again and this time grabs the other bucket from the closet at the opposite end of the corridor. Bringing it inside the cabin, she smartly latches the cabin door and grimly hopes that Georgina has her own key or better yet, stays up in first class until Eilis is able to sort herself out.

But it's not her bowels that need releasing, Eilis realizes suddenly as she breaks into a cold sweat. She's actually going to be sick. Moving away from the door just in time, she turns and vomits into the bucket, falling heavily onto her knees as the boat pitches forward and then back. The vomit splashes up and over the side, and Eilis wrinkles her nose in disgust as she vomits again, this time more forcefully. She can't remember ever being this sick in her entire life, and has a horrible thought that she might choke to death and no one would know about it. But after a few moments, the spasms subside, and Eilis is able to straighten for a few moments before they begin again.

She realizes now why the bathroom door is locked. It's clear next door knew that it would be a rough night and they would need the toilet all the time, for the very reason Eilis needs it. The mutton stew may have been off, as well, though Eilis didn't think there was anything wrong with it. After what seems like forever, retching into the bucket and onto the floor when the bucket won't stay in one place, Eilis vomits sour bile and winces as her stomach begins dry heaves. There's nothing left. Now she knows why no one else decided to eat this night.

Bursting into tears, Eilis slumps onto the floor beside her mess and tries to decide what to do. Surely Georgina will be back at some point, and when she comes back, she'll see what a mess Eilis made of their shared cabin. If Rose were here, no matter how sick Rose may be, she would help Eilis clean up and bathe her face with water, wipe her mouth and help her into the shower. Rose would make next door unlock the bloody toilet. But Rose isn't here and Eilis has to truly take care of herself.

With difficulty, Eilis gets to her feet and closes her eyes in exhaustion as another wave of nausea breaks over her. But while she gags, nothing comes up, so Eilis decides to brave the corridor and try to find the mop from the other closet to clean up the mess. The ship seems to almost roll onto its side, though, and Eilis can't keep her footing, falling heavily onto the corridor floor and bruising both her knees and one elbow. The dry heaves start again, this time in earnest, and Eilis brings up what's left of whatever's in her stomach onto the floor right in front of her. That would be bad enough, but the effort of heaving caused the unthinkable to happen. Now, on top of everything else, Eilis is lying on the corridor floor with her knickers and front of her nightie completely soaked.

It would be easiest, decides Eilis, if she could just die, right there on the floor. But even though she cries hard, and loudly, she can't be heard over the crashing and pitching of the boat, and so with effort, she picks herself up out of the puddle she made on the floor and steps over the little bit of vomit she was able to bring up. Regardless of it all, she thinks grimly, she still needs to clean up the mess in her cabin. She won't worry about the mess here, at least not now.

Finding the mop, she brings it back to the cabin and sets about mopping up the mess. It would be easier if she could empty the bucket, as well, but the door of course remains stubbornly locked, so she leaves it jammed up against the wooden bench and does her best with the mop. But without water and soap, the mop only moves the mess around, so with her whole face creasing in distress and exhaustion, Eilis just leaves it outside the corridor and looks down at herself. While she's sure she'll be up all night with this terrible nausea, she still needs to change out of her wet things and at least try to become more comfortable.

Eilis has one clean nightgown left - she only has two in the entire world - and she doesn't want to ruin that one with another accident, if God forbid another one happens this night. So she takes off her wet nightie and dons a vest and a new pair of knickers instead. It's cold and she immediately starts to shiver, but it's better than dirtying the only other one she has left. Only God knows when the harridans next door will decide to open the toilet door. Maybe never, thinks Eilis fatalistically. Maybe she'll have to deal with smelling like vomit and sweat and urine for the entire boat trip.

Once she's changed, she looks up at the top bunk and realizes she can't manage to get up there without dry heaving again. The very act of standing has made her gag at least twice. And she's so terribly thirsty at this point, with no way to get any water. Letting out a weak sob, Eilis turns to the bottom bunk and carefully gets into it, covering herself up securely and trying to stop the bone-rattling shivering. Georgina will be angry, she thinks, but she'll deal with that later. Right now, all she can do is close her eyes.

Hours pass. Eilis wakes up sometime later to discover that she has, in fact, wet the bed. Of course. But she feels too awful to do anything about it, and so she simply turns carefully onto her other side, out of the wet spot, and closes her eyes determinedly again, hoping that sometime during this night, she'll just finally die and she'll be finally free of this terrible seasickness.

//~//

Eilis doesn't know what time it is when she hears the cabin door unlatch and slide open, but she does manage to open her eyes slightly when she hears Georgina's horrified gasp. Wincing, Eilis closes them again, waiting for Georgina to start cursing or screaming, but nothing comes. Instead, she feels a light, cool hand on her forehead, stroking her sweaty hair out of her face.

"Oh, the poor little pet. The poor little thing," croons Georgina, and Eilis opens her eyes in surprise. She feels like she should sit up, at least try to get out of Georgina's bed, but the very act of moving makes her head pound and her stomach roll again. Eilis lets out a weak gag, feeling terrible, and immediately Georgina grabs the bucket from beside the bed and places it under Eilis's chin. Eilis vomits a tiny bit of bile into the bucket, and then turns her head and begins to cry.

"Oh, sweet girl. You've had a rough one, haven't you?"

"I'm so sorry for the mess, and the smell," Eilis sniffles. "I really tried to clean it up, but the bathroom door was locked all night, and I couldn't get in."

"The bathroom door was locked? The bastards," curses Georgina, getting up from beside Eilis. "There are a few bitches who will do that on these boats. I should have warned you. I'm sorry, Eilis."

"Well, I suppose we can't do anything about it now," says Eilis dully, but Georgina shakes her head. 

"We most certainly can. These latches aren't complicated. A nail file will spring it." Georgina roots through her case to find a smaller nail case. Withdrawing a file, she demonstrates, expertly lifting the latch with a snicking sound. The door slides open, and Georgina picks up her suitcase and stealthily lodges it against the other door, closing and locking it securely.

"There. You can use it now, poor love. I'm sure you'd love to clean up a bit."

Eilis rubs her fists into her eyes. The moment she gets up, Georgina is going to know about her accident, and when she opens her suitcase, she'll know about the fact that she wet her knickers last night, too. Letting out a weak sob, she just shakes her head. "I can't get up."

Georgina comes to sit beside her again. "Yes, you can, pet. I know you feel simply wretched, but I'll help you if you need it. You won't fall. I see you took a tumble last night, I can see the bruises on your poor arms."

Eilis starts to cry, no tears left to leak from her eyes. "No, I can't," she sobs. "I can't get up because then you'll know."

"What will I know?" Georgina looks confused. "What's the matter? It's all right, you can tell me. I was just as sick as you are now on my first journey over. I think everyone is. We certainly have seen it all, I'll wager."

Eilis shakes her head, and closes her eyes. "I can't," she repeats. Georgina just clucks under her tongue and gently pulls back the covers. Eilis doesn't even have the strength to stop her, but she does start to shiver when the cold air hits her bare arms and legs and wet knickers.

Georgina's face changes as she takes stock of the situation, and Eilis is certain she'll get up and storm out. But instead, she reaches out and strokes Eilis's hair again. "I see now. Well, you aren't the first one to wet the bed, love, and you won't be the last."

"I didn't just wet the bed. I wet my nightgown last night, too, and my knickers." Eilis feels oddly calmer now that she doesn't have to hide it from Georgina. "I need to wash them out, but I just don't think I can stand up without being sick."

"Of course you can't," breathes Georgina. "No one would expect it after the night you've had. Look. We'll get you cleaned up and we'll sort you out, all right? Lucky it's a fairly simple solution, at least until you start feeling a bit better."

Walking into the bathroom, Eilis hears water running. Georgina comes back with a warm wet flannel. "Now, Eilis, I'm going to clean you up, all right? We're going to have to get you to stand. Oh, I know it's going to be hard, pet, shh" - as Eilis starts to cry again - "but it needs to be done, you can't lie in a wet bed. If you need to be sick, the bucket's right here, all right?"

Eilis is sick again, but nothing comes up but a tiny bit of saliva, not even enough to really need more than her spitting into the bucket. Once she's standing, despite her legs shaking with the effort of standing when she feels so ill, she's able to help Georgina take off the wet knickers and vest. Georgina gives Eilis a quick sponge bath and helps her don her last clean nightgown, then efficiently strips the bed, more efficiently than even Rose is able to, and tucks in the top sheet, folding back the blanket. Eilis starts to reach for another pair of knickers, but Georgina, carefully not looking at her, suggests something else.

"Just while you're this sick. I'm not sure you won't have another accident, love, and I'd rather just be safe. I can get some new sheets from the porter for this bed, but regardless we need to have at least one dry one for me, too." She smiles, then, and Eilis, with a Herculean effort, smiles back. This woman barely knows her and already has her pegged as a bed wetter. Not that she isn't far off, thinks Eilis.

Georgina spreads out a rough towel from the bathroom. "Now, I've done this many times with little ones, but I think it might take a little bit of adjustment with you. But I've got some pins in my case, and we can at least solve the problem of staying dry this way, hmm?"

Eilis's first instinct is to laugh. Her first grown-up trip, all by herself, and she's being told she needs to wear a nappy to bed, when she hasn't worn one since she was five years old. The ridiculousness of the situation lends her strength and she does laugh, her voice becoming a little stronger.

"I think at this point, being as the storm is due to pass, I can likely make it to the toilet, Georgina," she says dryly. "I'm not sure I need that."

"Well, forgive me, Eilis, but I'm thinking you do," says Georgina, a little spirit coming back into her own tone. "Now, we don't have any pants to put over it, but it'll at least help if we put another towel under you as well."

Eilis suddenly feels a wave of exhaustion pass over her, and her legs tremble suddenly. She also suddenly has to empty her bladder, quite badly. "Georgina," she says in a shaky voice. "I need the toilet, now."

"Okay. I've got you, pet. It's all right, we'll get you there, but use the bucket, it's right there."

"No, no, I don't need to be sick . . ."

"Ah. All right, let's get there, here we are, then . . ." and Eilis sinks gratefully onto the seat just in time. Georgina has to hold her up - Eilis is so weak that she can barely stay sitting - but she makes it back to the bed without any incidents, either. Georgina takes advantage of the situation.

"All right, Eilis, lie down, that's a girl. Now, if I pull it up like this, and fold it around like this, I think it'll pin quite nicely. And you'll be fairly comfortable and won't have to worry about anything else, hmm?"

Eilis doesn't know what to say. But when the nappy is securely pinned on, just as Georgina said it would be, it's surprisingly comfortable and very warm. The extra padding between Eilis's legs makes moving a little bit awkward, but she manages to pull down her nightgown and turn onto her side. Georgina had already spread the other towel under her - "We won't be using them today anyway, you won't be fit for anything until at least later tonight when it gets calmer, and we'll ask for fresh linen then," - and once Eilis is comfortable and in position, Georgina covers her up warmly and strokes her hair again.

"There. That should at least be all right for now. I'm going to get some sleep. The bucket is right beside you if you need it, all right? And the nappy is loose enough that if you need to go to the toilet, you should be able to do that without trouble. Wake me if you need me. Good night, pet."

And Eilis, thoroughly exhausted, murmurs, "Good night," and knows nothing more.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: A little residual sickness (vomiting) in the first part of the chapter.

When Eilis looks back on the journey to Brooklyn, she's glad at least that she didn't have any more diarrhea. The vomiting was bad enough, and what was worse was that anything she tried to take in was just brought back up that terrible morning. Her stomach didn't calm down until at least mid-afternoon, and that was after Georgina sat beside her bed, lifting the bucket up and down and stroking her forehead with her cool hands that never seemed to get sweaty or hot. It was those hands that Eilis focused on, every time she was sick again and Georgina was there.

Despite Eilis's embarrassment, the nappies did end up being a good idea, since every time Eilis threw up, she ended up wetting herself a little bit. The force of the seasickness made her tummy muscles hurt, and she had cried a lot, which had then made her head hurt. Georgina had gotten a pitcher of fresh water, cautioning Eilis that she wasn't to take a lot of it at a time.

"You'll just bring it back up, pet. No, I'm sorry, but you will, Eilis. Don't cry, darling." Georgina had shown a tiny bit of frustration as she had stroked Eilis's hair. "I know you're terribly thirsty. I know."

It was more than that, though. Eilis could think of nothing else, and didn't know how she had water left in her to sweat and vomit and urinate. "Please just a little bit," she begged. "Just a little bit, Georgina."

Georgina had given her a little bit of the cool water on a spoon, and the very moment that the water had touched her mouth, she thought she had died and gone to heaven. Her tongue had come out to lick the delicious drops from her dry lips, and Georgina had laughed a little bit. 

"You look just like a wee kitten," and Eilis had smiled, too, before opening her mouth for more. Georgina had let her have a few spoonfuls, and then had looked concerned, never taking her eyes from Eilis. Eilis realizes now that Georgina had been quite worried in the early part of that morning; seasickness is terrible, but when it comes to the dehydration stage, it becomes dangerous. Eilis realizes, lying in the narrow cabin bed now, that there had been a very good chance of her becoming seriously ill.

But Eilis had managed to keep down the spoonfuls of water, and after a time, Georgina let her have some more. After Eilis had taken about half a glass of water and kept it down for an hour or so, Georgina had given into Eilis's pleadings and let her have a full glass of it. At the time, it had tasted wonderful . . . but it had come directly back up, all over Eilis's nightgown and the sheets.

"Now, you see," Georgina had said, her tone a little annoyed. "You seem to think I don't know these things."

Eilis looked down at herself and her lower lip quivered. She had just been so very thirsty and she felt utterly unable to control anything about herself. She picked a bit at her knuckles and tried not to look at Georgina, whom she knew was likely very angry. "You're right, Georgina, I didn't listen."

Georgina's finger gently tapped Eilis under her chin. "And don't think I don't know just how you feel, sure if I didn't feel the same way when I crossed the first time. No one can prepare you for this, love. No one can tell you how bad the seasickness gets."

Eilis suddenly really wanted to be held, and only the knowledge that she didn't really know this poor woman who had gone out of her way to help her through the night and take care of her stopped her from reaching her arms out, as she would have done to Rose. But Georgina seemed to know already how Eilis felt, and carefully avoiding the wet front of Eilis's nightie, she drew the sick girl into her arms and gave her a comforting squeeze.

"Now. You need to be cleaned up a bit, even if it is just water. And I think since it's been awhile, will we get you to the toilet, then?"

Eilis flushed. Her nappy had been quite thoroughly wet for awhile - the towel under her likely damp, as well. She decidedly did not have to go to the toilet. She turned her face into Georgina's shoulder, and just decided not to answer that question, hoping Georgina would see if her other nightgown was clean and dry and then Eilis could figure out what to do about the wet nappy and towel.

But Georgina just clucked under her tongue. "Or is it that you don't need the toilet after all because you've already gone?"

Eilis, after a moment, slowly nodded, and Georgina chuckled. "Hmm. I thought maybe that was the case. That's all right," she said, and rubbed Eilis's back a little. "That's why we put a nappy on." She didn't mention anything about Eilis being too old to wet herself, but Eilis darkly imagined that was likely what she was thinking. But Georgina, brisk as usual, just got up and gently peeled back the sheet.

"Ah. I see you've needed a bit of attention for awhile. Why didn't you say something, love?"

Eilis just looked down miserably. Was a twenty-year-old woman supposed to tell another woman of her age that she was wet, just like a toddler? The very idea was absurd, especially since she was supposed to be adult enough to live on her own in a strange city.

But if Georgina thought these things, she didn't let on. Instead, her voice softened. "Well, now, Eilis. I think in future you'll need to let me know if you're wet like this. You won't be very comfortable if your bottom gets sore, now. I think you've got quite enough to be going on with," she smiled, and gently raised Eilis's chin again so that she could look into her eyes.

Eilis's bottom was a little sore already, if she was really being honest. But Georgina simply got another towel from the stack on the bench ("I bribed the porters," she'd chuckled, looking as pleased as if she'd gotten them to give her a stack of treasure) and gently unpinned the nappy from around Eilis's waist. Rose had never quite exposed Eilis in this way - at least not that Eilis could ever remember or wanted to remember - and it took all Eilis's strength not to immediately try to cover herself. Instead, she turned her hot face away from Georgina and tried not to listen to Georgina's amused chuckle.

"Sure, don't all women look the same? Silly girl," she said, very gently tickling Eilis's tummy. "There's no need to get so timid."

Through some discussion, Eilis had found out that Georgina was a nanny in Brooklyn for a rich family with two young girls, one of whom was a baby. It explained a lot about her manner with Eilis and her endless patience with Eilis being sick and wetting everywhere. Eilis simply wished that Georgina had never seen her this way - though she was grateful that she was there for her if all this did have to happen.

The flannel was cold, and Eilis found herself whimpering as Georgina cleaned her. "Ah, I know, pet. It's not very nice, is it? We're almost finished, shh." The hot water seemed to only be available at certain times of the day, explained Georgina, and they'd have to get Eilis up early if she was up to it in order to give her a shower the next day. 

Eilis wanted to ask Georgina how she'd learned to pin nappies so well. Who had taught her? Eilis had had next to no exposure to babies or young children, and found the whole business mystifying. But Georgina efficiently pinned on the new towel, again lamenting the lack of vinyl pants. "I'm sure you'd feel much more comfortable if we had something like it. Not so damp, at any rate."

She helped Eilis roll over so that she could take the damp towel from underneath her and place a new one. Then she helped her to sit up so that she could take the wet nightgown from her. Eilis did cover her breasts this time and tried not to feel completely exposed, but Georgina just placed the thin blanket from the top bunk around her so that she'd stay warm with no other comments while she got Eilis's other nightgown.

"I've washed it out, and it's fairly dry from being on the radiator all night. But Jesus, do I wish you had some other nighties, love. It'd certainly make it easier, wouldn't it? Now, arms up, that's a girl." Eilis obediently raised her arms and Georgina pulled the warm nightgown over her head, then helped her to lie back on the pillow. Eilis closed her eyes in exhaustion, even though she hadn't done much of the work.

"There. That's better, then. Will we try some more water? Slowly, now," Georgina cautioned. And Eilis had slowly sipped water from the spoon Georgina held, feeling a little better every time she took in more. The horrible quaking nausea in her belly lessened when there was a little something in it, she found. Eilis found herself for the first time thinking about food. Some beef tea, or a little bit of toast, would taste just amazingly.

But Georgina had firmly shaken her head. "Not a chance, my girl. Water's enough to clean up," she'd said, and Eilis had flushed miserably again. Of course it was, and she was being absolutely silly, letting Georgina do everything. But Georgina noticed Eilis's face, and she'd stroked Eilis's hair again. "It's only that your tummy's not ready yet. It probably won't be for another day or so."

Eilis felt her eyes getting heavy, and she'd suddenly yawned, right in the middle of trying to thank Georgina for the tenth time for helping her. Georgina had smiled. "You're knackered, my love. Look at the circles under your eyes. Poor thing, being sick isn't easy work, is it."

Eilis found she was really falling in love with the way that Georgina's easy chatter could comfort her, just like Rose's did. While Georgina's voice was harsher and brighter with her Dublin accent and not at all like Rose's soft Wexford accent, the tone was the same, and Eilis warmed to it just the same way. 

Georgina had helped Eilis to her feet so that she could use the toilet before she fell asleep again. Eilis felt a little stronger, and was able to walk by herself, but Georgina had noticed her face turning white as she struggled to pull the nappy down, and had quickly come to her rescue. "It might be a wee bit tight. I wanted to stop any leaking so that you can sleep a little bit better," she explained, helping Eilis sit on the toilet.

Eilis was barely nauseated anymore, and apart from the extreme weakness, achiness, and exhaustion, felt quite a bit better as she sat by herself on the toilet and watched Georgina strip her bed quickly and remake it with fresh sheets. Georgina had barely had any sleep, yet was still cheerful and willing to help Eilis.

When Eilis had finished, she wobbled on her feet and Georgina had caught her before she fell onto her knees. "Still a little unsteady, aren't you," she'd smiled, and supported Eilis against her chest. Eilis was of average height, but she fit quite nicely under Georgina's chin and found herself clinging to her, much like a child would. Georgina rubbed Eilis's back comfortingly.

"Come on, love. Let's get you into bed, then."

Georgina checked the pins on Eilis's nappy and then patted her bottom in a familiar gesture that simultaneously made Eilis jump and blush. "You should be all right for the time being. I'm going to go up to the canteen to get some more water and maybe some toast for later. I'll be right back."

Eilis, in every other respect, would have been just fine seeing Georgina walk away from her, or anyone, really, and settled down to sleep. Twenty-year-old Eilis would have sensibly turned onto her side and curled up, feeling the slight rocking of the boat that now seemed so innocuous, and closed her eyes. But Eilis right now didn't feel twenty and didn't feel strong; and Eilis now felt her lower lip quiver and for the first time in hours, real tears came back to her eyes.

Georgina stopped at the door. "Oh, Eilis. What's the matter? I'll be right back." Her voice sounded a little testy, and Eilis felt even worse. Of course she'd taken up far too much of this poor woman's time. Of course Georgina wanted a little break from needy, sick, silly Eilis who couldn't even keep her knickers dry. But Eilis found herself sitting up in bed and reaching out her arms, as she had to Rose, as she had her entire life, and whispering, "Please don't go."

Georgina's face changed. "Oh, sweet girl. It's only for a moment. You won't be sick while I'm gone, it's calm as glass out there now. I peeked out while you were asleep earlier; saw the most beautiful sunrise. The storm's all finished now."

But Eilis shook her head, her lower lip out in a big, childish pout, and held up her arms again. "Please stay with me?"

"Just until you're asleep? Well, I think that can be arranged," teased Georgina, and sat beside Eilis in the narrow space under the top bunk. She took Eilis into her arms. "You're just like little Betty back in Brooklyn. She never wants me to leave, either. Now, will we sing a little something? To help you get off?"

Eilis felt surprised. Even Rose had never sung to her that she could remember. Turning into Georgina, she nodded shyly against the older woman's shoulder and Georgina chuckled a little bit. She began to hum a familiar tune, one that Eilis's brothers would whistle on the way to work before they moved and that her father would sometimes sing in the evenings. It was a tune they usually sang in the pubs, and Eilis's mother never approved of it, but it sounded like home and Eilis felt herself relaxing against Georgina, falling asleep and knowing nothing more.

//~//

Now, Eilis sits at the canteen with Georgina, feeling a little self-conscious about the nappy still pinned securely under her skirt and slip. Though Eilis is back to feeling just fine, able to keep down some toast and beef broth the evening after her bout with seasickness and then some oatmeal this morning, she hasn't been able to stop wetting just yet. It's almost strange - she's perfectly fine on her feet, and was able to have a shower this morning which had felt wonderful after her long two days of being so sick. But after wearing knickers for only a few hours and standing on the deck with Georgina, who was telling her more about life in Brooklyn, she had felt the need to go to the toilet urgently and hadn't ended up making it there. She found herself standing in a puddle right outside her cabin door.

Georgina had come down just after her and clucked under her tongue. "You can't wait so long, love."

"I didn't," whispered Eilis. "I didn't wait at all." Then she'd burst into tears, and Georgina had quickly gotten her inside the cabin before anyone saw her. After helping her clean up (for the fifteenth time, thought Eilis in annoyance at herself), Georgina had sat beside Eilis on the bed and stroked her hair, which Eilis had finally been able to do something with that morning.

"I don't know what's up with you right now, Eilis, but now that you're out and about it's going to be harder for you to control all this. I'm thinking we'll keep you in nappies for now." 

Eilis had opened her mouth to protest, but Georgina shook her head firmly. "No, love, I think we will. I'll teach you to fold and pin them so that I don't always have to be here, and I don't think it'll be a problem for as long as we're here. You may still be a little weak," she said kindly, though Eilis knew that most other people could have bad seasickness and not wet themselves. 

"Georgina . . ." Eilis protested, but Georgina had gently pushed her back on the bed and shown her how to pin the towel around her waist. She also suggested that she place a flannel in the nappy to increase the absorbency. "We don't have pants for you, so you'll have to pay strict attention or else you may end up wetting on the floor again," warned Georgina.

Now, as they sit eating a simple dinner of beef, potatoes, and vegetables, Eilis moves uncomfortably. The extra padding isn't visible, is it? She's made Georgina check about five times, and each time Georgina answered that she could see a little more padding around Eilis's waist and bottom, but nothing anyone else would notice. She'd had Eilis put on her knickers over the nappy to smooth her out, but Eilis still feels that everyone knows she has a nappy on.

Georgina squints at Eilis suddenly. "Oh, dear. We're going to have to do something with you. You can't enter America looking like that."

"Looking like what?" Eilis looks down at herself, afraid that she'd spilled food on her sweater or something, but Georgina shakes her head. 

"Looking all pale and sick. They'll put you in quarantine or something! We'll have to fix you up a bit."

Eilis feels a bit nervous. They dock in two more days and she's coming to the realization that she may not see Georgina again in Brooklyn. The older woman still sits with her during the day and before she goes to sleep, singing to her and cuddling her, and of course, helping her with the nappies. It's helped stave off the homesickness, and Eilis is worried about leaving her once they get to New York. Then, she'll truly be on her own.

Georgina laughs. "Don't look so worried, Eilis. It's nothing bad. Silly girl," she says, her voice affectionate, though less so in front of people as when they're alone. Eilis finishes her food, feeling too nervous to eat, and follows Georgina back to the cabin. Eilis feels her bladder twinge and then the sudden warmth of wetness in her nappy. She looks down at herself, flushing, and Georgina looks down at her, too.

"Are you wet, love?"

"I think so," says Eilis sheepishly. "I just did now."

"Come on. Let's get you changed and then I want to see what we can do. We haven't much time, you know, to make you presentable."

"Presentable?" Eilis lies obediently on the bed as Georgina takes down her thankfully still-dry knickers and checks her nappy.

"The flannel is doing a fair job. That's good," she smiles at Eilis. "It means you probably won't have any trouble if you pay attention to how wet you are like a good girl."

"I hope I won't need it anymore," says Eilis, with a bit of spirit, and Georgina laughs. "I hope not, either, love."

Georgina finishes pinning the new nappy on Eilis and looks over at their dwindling pile of towels. "We'll have to be careful the next few days. You may have to stay close to the toilet, because I don't know if the porters will give us any more."

Eilis nods, feeling a little sad, but realizing that's the way of it right now. Georgina is already in Eilis's suitcase, rooting around. "We can't have you looking like a tart. Though," she says, looking at Eilis's meagre supply of clothing, "looking like a tart isn't going to be a problem, I don't think."

She finds a pretty brown dress, Eilis's soft beige cardigan, and a bright red plaid scarf and tosses them to Eilis. "You can wear these. They'll give you a bit of colour and we'll put a little mascara and lipstick on so that those lovely blue eyes will stand out."

Eilis smiles. "Thank you, Georgina."

"You're a lovely little thing. It won't be hard to get you looking your best." Georgina strokes Eilis's soft hair again. "I'll curl your hair for you as well."

And Eilis, in a rare show of affection, throws her arms around Georgina and smiles as Georgina hugs her back just as tightly. "I'm going to miss you," whispers Eilis, and Georgina tips her chin up.

"Why do you think we'll never see each other again?"

"Well, you'll have your job, and your life, and you'll likely want nothing to do with the likes of me after this horrible journey," babbles Eilis, and Georgina just laughs. 

"I'm certain I'll see you again," she says, smiling down at Eilis. "I'll give you my address before we go and you can write to me, and we might meet again in the city on one of my days off. The girls keep me busy and God knows so does Mrs. Bailey, but I do have time off and I'll want to see how you're getting on."

Eilis's eyes fill with tears. "You're wonderful, Georgina."

"And you're so sweet and mild and lovely. Now. You're all dry, so let's decide what it is we'll do this evening, shall we? Will we go up to first again?"

And Eilis grinned back. For the time being, at least, she was perfectly happy and excited about her new life.

//~//

The boat comes a little early into the Hudson river, early on the Friday morning. Eilis stands on the deck, looking down at the huge buildings of Manhattan on one side and the elegant sweep of the Brooklyn Bridge in the distance. Georgina smiles in relief. 

"Finally home. Thank God."

Eilis doesn't say anything, but Georgina finds her hand and squeezes it. Eilis finds her voice, then. "How long do letters take to arrive from Ireland?"

"They take forever at first. Then no time at all." Georgina looks down at Eilis. "It'll be some adjustment, pet."

Eilis doesn't say anything, but she squeezes Georgina's hand back as they dock with a bump on Ellis Island. 

Georgina smiles. "Welcome to America."


	5. Chapter 5

Eilis and Georgina disembark the ship together, their suitcases unwieldy and banging against each other as they struggle to walk down the gangplank with the rest of the crowd. Eilis is quiet, feeling unsure and nervous, but Georgina can't keep the smile from her face. It's clear she's excited to be back, and she's crossed Customs at Ellis Island many times before. 

Before the ship docked, Georgina had taken Eilis into their cabin to help her clean up a bit for the journey and to make sure her nappy was dry. Eilis was now so used to Georgina checking her and changing her that she didn't even blink when Georgina took her arm and gently steered her into the cabin, patting Eilis's bottom as she did so. 

"It's a good thing I checked you. You're soaked. Now, love, we're going to have to pin this one on tightly. It's going to be awhile before you'll have time to change again, I'm afraid. Sometimes the lines at Customs can take hours, depending on how many ships are coming in at once. And I know you'll be nervous," Georgina winked, tickling Eilis's tummy. Eilis giggled as she always did, being very ticklish.

"There isn't a chance I'll be sent back?" asked Eilis suddenly, her face changing, and Georgina stroked her cheek. 

"No, love. They won't send you back if you answer all the questions and act confident. You don't even look sick anymore. They're used to people looking much worse than you ever have!"

Eilis smiled then. "Good," she said dryly. "I don't think I can take another crossing like that one."

"I'm sure you'll be glad to never see the inside of this room again. Now, will we go up to the deck? It helps to be right there when they lower the gangplank so that you don't have to wait an hour to get off. Some prefer to sit down here and wait, but I like to be through as soon as possible."

"You'll be there when we get to Customs, won't you?" Eilis heard her voice break nervously again, and tried to sound calmer. "I'm just not completely sure what I'm to do or where to go."

Georgina finished pinning Eilis's fresh nappy and pulled her skirt down, then walked into the bathroom to wash her hands. When she came out, she looked at Eilis seriously. 

"Now, Eilis, I can come with you about as far as the door. And then you're on your own, love. I've got to go into a different line than you do. Once you're through, you'll get back on the ferry to Brooklyn. If I'm through faster, I'll wait for you, but we may not see each other after Customs. But I've got your address, and you've got mine. Sure, won't we write to each other, then?"

Eilis's eyes filled with tears. "I won't see you again after we're through?" Her voice was small, and cracked, and weak, and she suddenly hated that she couldn't handle anything by herself. Georgina noticed, and came over to sit beside Eilis. After a moment she took the younger girl into her arms.

"I know it's been a rough journey for you," she said softly. "I know you're probably frightened. But you're a smart girl, Eilis. You can do this. And we will see each other again, I promise you that."

Eilis leaned into Georgina's comforting arms and sniffled. Between the wetting, which hadn't stopped at all, and the fact that she knew she'd never have made it to Brooklyn without Georgina, Eilis felt very much like a baby. Now she'd have to really look after herself.

"And, love, I think it wouldn't hurt you to see a doctor once you're settled, hmm? You don't want to go through your life wearing nappies all the time, now, do you."

Eilis blushed at that. "Speaking of those, I'll need to make some, won't I? And get some of the pants you told me about."

"You've already got some of the towels packed away, now, don't you? And Brooklyn is a big city," said Georgina briskly. "You'll likely be able to find the pants at a department store in the underwear section, maybe even in the children's section. You're a sturdy girl but you're in no way fat," she said, tickling Eilis again just to hear her giggle. "You'll be able to fit into those, if they're a bit snug. And you'll be working in a department store, won't you?"

Eilis nodded. "I'll miss you," she whispered, and Georgina cuddled her closer.

"And I'll miss you. You're a sweet little thing and I've very much enjoyed your company, Miss Lacey," she said, and chucked Eilis under her chin gently. "Now. Let's be off. I don't want to wait any longer than we'll have to."

Eilis cuddled into Georgina a moment more, and then they closed the cabin door behind them for the last time.

Now, Eilis stands nervously in the line, waiting her turn to get her passport stamped and to get through Customs. Already, she's seen a family turned back because of consumption, and her tummy twists and jumps, hoping that the officials won't decide she needs to be sent back, too. Georgina had warned her to look as if she knew exactly what she was doing, to take an American attitude of confidence and to hold her head high, and Eilis searches for Georgina's bright blonde head, spotting her in the returning citizens line. She's already talking and laughing with a gentleman behind her, and Eilis feels a stab of sadness.

Soon enough, it's her turn, and the official looks her up and down unsmilingly. "Where are you coming from," he barks, and Eilis almost loses her voice as she responds. 

"Ireland, sir."

"What's your business in the United States?"

"I'm immigrating to work in Bartocci's. It's a department store." Eilis finds her voice growing stronger. "I'll be a sales clerk."

"So you've got working papers already?" He searches through her passport to find the papers, and then nods. "In good health?"

"Yes, sir."

He nods slowly and stamps her passport with a thump. "All right. Welcome to America, miss. Through the blue doors."

And just like that, she's through the blue doors and into the bright day, the tall buildings of Manhattan stretching impossibly high over her head. Stepping onto the ferry, she looks for Georgina, but doesn't see her. And now Eilis knows she's truly on her own.

The ferry doesn't take long to cross the river, and then Eilis is standing on the shores of Brooklyn, New York, miles away from where she came, in a completely different world. The bright voices of young people around her, some with Irish accents, some with foreign accents, and still more with the distinct Brooklyn accent that Eilis knows she's going to have some trouble understanding at first, swirl around her, and for a moment, she feels dizzy. Picking up her suitcases, she consults the map that Father Flood had sent her with the address of her boarding house, and she heads towards a taxicab stand, hoping that the ride won't be too expensive.

The taxi driver, thinks Eilis privately some time later, gets her there, but she's just grateful it's in one piece as the man drove like an insane person. Staggering a bit dizzily from the backseat and feeling the same nausea she felt on the ship, she's glad to get out into the air. Brooklyn is hot and grimy, the tired leaves of the trees providing little shade. Eilis begins to sweat in her green coat, the same coat that she needed to walk more than about a block back in Enniscorthy due to the cool wind catching her and chilling her. It also doesn't help that she's quite wet, as Georgina had warned her she'd be. Eilis leaves her coat on, fearing that her saturated nappy has left a wet spot on her skirt. The air is wet and sticky, like a big dirty blanket, thinks Eilis. The tight nappy causes her to sweat even more, and Eilis has never looked more forward to a cool bath in her life.

Walking as briskly as she can manage down Clinton Street and dodging some laughing children wearing short pants and light shirts, looking much cooler than she feels right now, Eilis takes in the new scenery. The elegant brownstones she recognizes from films about New York. It's strange to see them in person. What surprises her is the constant melange of accents and voices. There seem to be hundreds of people in Brooklyn, all with different stories, all from different places. The cab driver had had an Italian accent and had known immediately she was Irish. Eilis knows she has an accent; she just never imagined it being so noticeable to others.

She finds the boarding house and heaves the suitcases in exhaustion up the stairs. Covered in sweat, wet, and probably smelly, she knows she's going to present a sight to Mrs. Madge Kehoe, her landlady. Perhaps, thinks Eilis darkly, she'll even refuse to rent Eilis a room at this point. At that, Eilis feels her bladder twinge and give, and her already soaked nappy gives as well, leaking down her inner thighs. Eilis feels her face crumple and tries to get herself under control, rubbing her legs together to stop any wetness from soaking into the pavement of the steps. It would never do to be in tears and obviously wet, like a baby, she scolds herself.

A small woman scuttles to the door only a few moments after Eilis pulls the bell. She's elegantly dressed, wearing a cardigan and wool skirt despite the hot weather. Her face is kind, and when she speaks, she speaks with a Wexford accent that sounds just like Eilis's. Eilis almost throws her arms around her right then and there. Father Flood had likely mentioned that Mrs. Kehoe was from Enniscorthy, but Eilis had forgotten, and to hear the sounds of home makes her aching heart ease a little.

"Well, now. You must be Eilis Lacey. Welcome." Mrs. Kehoe reaches for one of Eilis's suitcases. "I'm sure the journey must have been simply terrible. I'm glad you seem to have made it all in one piece."

"Thank you," whispers Eilis, and walks a bit awkwardly due to her soaking nappy. The first thing she's going to ask is about a bath, and then she's going to change into the coolest clothes she has.

"Don't be shy, love, there we go. Just head straight upstairs for now. I'll show you your room, and then you can freshen up a bit if you wish. There's one bathroom on the second floor for all the girls to use. You'll have to sign up for baths, but I think being as you've just gotten in, we can put aside the schedule for now."

Eilis follows Mrs. Kehoe, mystified, up the steep stairs to the second floor. The house is much cooler inside than outside, though still with the heavy sticky quality to the air. It's decorated much like a house at home would be, with dark wallpaper and old-fashioned paintings and photographs. It feels familiar to Eilis as a result. But signing up for baths? They can't just take a bath when they feel like it?

Eilis feels her thighs starting to get sore from the wetness and the rubbing, and she bites her lip as Mrs. Kehoe shows her into a small bedroom with a bed, night table, dresser, and wardrobe. 

"This will be your room, then. Now, there are three meals a day, as I wrote to Father Flood, at eight in the morning, noon, and six in the evening. On the weekends, we push breakfast out to nine to give everyone a chance for a bit of a lie-in, though we all do attend eleven o'clock mass and that will be expected of you, too."

Mrs. Kehoe looks at Eilis to be sure she's listening, then continues, her soft voice comforting to Eilis's ears. "Of course, you choose if you'd like to attend meals or not, but I won't have any cooking after allotted meal-times if you choose to miss them. The girls do make a snack before bed and you are welcome to do that anytime you'd like." 

She stops, then peers up at Eilis with bright blue eyes. "Goodness, child, you look about knackered. I'll let you clean up a bit and then it will be time for lunch. I gather you can use something to eat, now, can't you."

Eilis flushes and hopes Mrs. Kehoe can't tell that she's about as dirty as she's ever been in her entire life. She nods, and unbidden, a painful lump rises in her throat. She unsuccessfully swallows it down, blinking fast so that Mrs. Kehoe can't tell she's about to cry, too. "Thank you, Mrs. Kehoe. I'll just clean up a bit now, then."

"Of course, love. Aren't you a shy little thing. Don't worry about asking for anything you might need. The girls will help you and I'll do what I can to make you comfortable. I know it can be a bit overwhelming at first, but you'll settle in soon." Mrs. Kehoe squeezes Eilis's shoulder reassurringly, and Eilis has to cough to cover up a sob that threatens to burst forth. Her eyes fill with tears and Mrs. Kehoe rubs her shoulder a bit.

"Shh, love. I'll just go and start your bath for you. You put all your things away and if you'll need a little cry, well, it'll just be between ourselves now. You can write to your family this evening with the girls and that will help." Then, she leaves the room, and Eilis is alone.

Placing the first of her two suitcases on the bed, Eilis blinks away her tears and pulls out the small stack of towels that Georgina had hidden under her clothes. She'd also given her another set of safety pins, though Eilis had some of her own. Noticing a closed laundry basket in the corner of the room, Eilis gratefully takes off her soaking nappy and grimaces as it skims over the sore places on her thighs. She notices her bottom is sore, too, and hopes that she can get some Vaseline later today. Georgina had had some in her bag that she'd used on Eilis, but she hadn't given her any to have, and Eilis knows she'll need some if she's going to continue to need the nappies.

Throwing the strong-smelling nappy into the laundry, she also realizes she's not asked Mrs. Kehoe about laundry. Is it sent out, or do they do their own, or does Mrs. Kehoe do it? At home, Eilis and Rose had taken it in turns to use the old wringer-washer and then hang the laundry either in the back hall or out on the line in the garden, if it was a nice windy day. It's likely different in Brooklyn, and Eilis flushes at the thought of Mrs. Kehoe finding out about her nappies. 

Eilis lays out a fresh blouse and skirt and a towel with pins beside it, and another pair of knickers. She fishes for her dressing gown when she hears a light knock on her closed door. Mrs. Kehoe pops her head in after Eilis opens the door.

"Now, Eilis, I'm just after running the bath for you so you can clean up a little bit. Then come downstairs; the dining room will be to your right as you come down the hall."

"Yes, Mrs. Kehoe."

"Good girl. We'll be having some soup and sandwiches for lunch. I'm sure you've got to be hungry."

Eilis is hungry, she realizes, as she goes down the hall to the bathroom and climbs into the refreshing bath water. Her appetite had come and gone over the past few days, waning and waxing with her nervousness, but she's definitely hungry now. After washing thoroughly and examining her rash under the bright bathroom light, she finds a little Vaseline in the cupboard and rubs it on herself a little guiltily, vowing to buy her own as soon as she can. 

Folding and pinning the fresh nappy on is hard. Eilis has to lie down completely on the bed in order to pin it tightly enough, and she pokes herself several times as she tries to figure it out. With it finally on, she feels much better, and doesn't forget to place a flannel in it as Georgina has taught her. She'll have to go out after lunch to see if she can pick up the things she needs. Worrying slightly about the cost of everything when she doesn't start work for another few days, Eilis dresses and pins back her wet hair into a knot, knowing that she'll never be able to do anything with the wild curls in this weather. 

She examines herself in the full-length mirror in her room. She's thinner, but not noticeably so. The nappy rounds her out nicely and makes her feel safer, even if it is a bit hot. Her face isn't as pale as it has been, the dusty pink roses in her cheeks coming back in the oppressive humidity. The house is cooler, but not much, she thinks, as she heads lightly down the steps. It's September now; isn't it supposed to be autumn? Eilis thinks of the cool winds and refreshing air at home and feels her eyes fill with tears again. This will never do, she scolds herself. But she can't help the lump coming back into her throat, as big as a piece of bread, and she has to swallow hard before she enters the elegant, light-filled dining room to meet the other boarders in Mrs. Kehoe's home.

They're not all Irish. One has a distinctly American accent, and one has a very slight Irish accent. They giggle together on one side of the table, earning disapproving looks from Mrs. Kehoe, who is not as gentle and soft-spoken as she seems. A lady, probably in her late thirties or early forties, sits on the side closest to the door, and a tall, quiet girl with a fairly strong Cork accent sits beside her. The chair closest to Mrs. Kehoe is clearly for Eilis.

"Come in, Eilis, now. Don't be shy, girl. This is Eilis Lacey; she's got the blue room upstairs next to Sheila. Eilis is from Enniscorthy, which as you may remember, is where my family is from as well as Father Flood. Now, Eilis. Across the table is Patty, whose parents are Irish but she's American; next to her is Diana, who's half-Italian and half-Irish. Across the table is Miss McAdam, from Belfast, and next to her is Sheila, who's from Cork. Now, sit down, Eilis, and we'll eat. Eilis just came in from Ireland today."

The girls chorus hello, and Eilis suddenly wants to hide under the table. She manages to smile shyly, and sit down. Mrs. Kehoe has given her a bowl of tomato soup and what looks like a ham sandwich. Though she's hungry, all the eyes examining her, even as Mrs. Kehoe chatters happily with the girls, some of whom appear to work in other department stores, cause her to just nibble at her food. After a moment, she realizes that the conversation has stopped and she's been staring at her napkin for a good few moments.

"Eilis?" asks Patty, the American, across the table. She puts the accent on the wrong syllable of Eilis's name, causing the -lish to sound like a hissing snake. "I asked how the journey was?"

Eilis realizes then that she can never tell anyone about how bad the crossing was. Not these girls, not Rose. No one. She'll seem ungrateful about her new life and all the work her family has done to send her here. She tries to smile, but she knows her face is twisting into a strange expression and unbidden, tears come to her eyes again. She bites her lip and looks down, and Mrs. Kehoe rescues her.

"Good Lord, stop badgering her, Patty. You can see the poor thing is exhausted. Eilis, love, why don't you go up for a little rest this afternoon, hm?"

Eilis nods and gets up, looking down at her dishes in confusion until Mrs. Kehoe gently urges her on. "It's all right. I'll get one of the girls to clear away the dishes, though we do all clear away our own and take turns washing, of course."

Eilis, her face hot and red, thankfully leaves the room and flies up the stairs, barely able to keep the tears back. As soon as the door closes behind her, Eilis falls face-down on her bed and sobs into her pillows, feeling all her fear and nervousness come back at the terrible first impression she must have made downstairs. If she wasn't a baby before, thinks Eilis in annoyance at herself, she certainly is now.

The oppressive heat settles over her like a blanket, and her hands fisted in her covers, Eilis falls asleep on her tummy, her exhaustion with the time difference already overcoming her. She wakes up a few hours later, her neck sweaty and her nappy soaked. 

There's a slight knock at the door and Mrs. Kehoe looks in, carrying a tray with a cup of tea and a plate of biscuits. "Hello, love. I hope you're feeling a little more ready to cope after your rest. I've brought you up some tea."

Eilis rubs her eyes and tries to smile, but she can't quite get it out, and she's afraid to sit up in case her nappy has leaked onto the front of her skirt. She really needs to get a pair of those vinyl pants, and soon. But after surreptitiously moving her hand to check her front, she realizes that she got lucky - she's damp, but not wet. Eilis sits up, feeling her bottom sting and trying not to grimace, and gratefully accepts the cup of strong tea.

"Thank you, Mrs. Kehoe."

"Of course, Eilis." Mrs. Kehoe reaches out to stroke Eilis's hair, which is coming loose from its pins as usual. "You poor thing. It's never easy to come to a new place, is it? But you'll feel better once you start work. All of the girls go through a little bit of a cry when they first come."

"I'm sorry," whispers Eilis, and tries not to let her lower lip start trembling again, but Mrs. Kehoe puts a kind arm around Eilis's shoulders. "It's all right, love. I'm just so glad to have a Wexford girl in the house again," she smiles, and Eilis feels a little better.

"Now. Why don't you write and tell your family that you're safe in Brooklyn? Then I could use a little help preparing dinner if you'd like something to do, or you can get one of the girls to show you around the neighbourhood. I'm sure you'd like to pick up a few things."

Eilis nods, and Mrs. Kehoe rubs her shoulders again. "All right. I'll go now. You'll be all right," she winks, and leaves the room.

Eilis looks at her half-unpacked suitcase and wonders when she'll start feeling like she really will be able to cope. She hopes it's soon.

Standing up, she finishes her snack and gets ready to go downstairs and into her new neighbourhood on the first of many outings in her new home.


End file.
